Metaphorically Speaking

Listening to: Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels

So, I was thinking about blogging, and I was trying to focus on coming up with hilarious metaphors and similes to employ in my writing and then I came upon this list of metaphors and similes teachers had found in high school English essays over the years. And I realized I can't top any of them. Here's the list:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Pretty good, right? Only in my dreams could I write gold like that.

Anyway, I've been listening to a lot of this new Great Lake Swimmers album as I feel I have to seeing as it was my first ever album purchase from iTunes. A big moment for me. So far, I think I like it. It's fuller and better than their previous stuff, which at times made me want to go to sleep. The face that I've stayed awake for the whole album on several listenings is a good sign. Probably my opinion of it will change as I get to know it more, but for now, it's pretty good.


Great Lake Swimmers - Pulling on a Line

Great Lake Swimmers - Lost Channels ★★★★★★★✩✩✩

Favorite Tracks: Palmistry, Pulling On a Line, She Comes to Me in Dreams
Least Favorite Tracks: River's Edge

1. Palmistry
2. Everything is Moving So Fast
3. Pulling On a Line
4. Concrete Heart
5. She Comes to Me in Dreams
6. The Chorus in the Underground
7. Singer Castle Bells
8. Stealing Tomorrow
9. Still
10. New Light
11. River's Edge
12. Unison Falling Into Harmony
13. It's Too Late
14. The Storms Are On the Ocean