My New Pen-Pal.

This is a real letter of complaint I wrote a few weeks ago. I left several copies of it lying around our property just to make sure that the intended recipient would become the full-fledged recipient.

ATTN: The rat who poos in my mouth every morning.
RE: Pooing in my mouth every morning.

Dear rat who poos in my mouth every morning,

I would just like to bring up a couple of things that I need to talk to you about. First off, I hate it when you poo in my mouth. Secondly, show your face one of these mornings so I can punch it.

Sincerely,

Daytona Splendor.

After several long weeks of waiting for a response, guess who showed his face. If you guessed Splinter, you’re very close, he’s probably a relative. Whether it was Splinter or not, I don’t think we’ll ever know, but it was the rat I wanted to discuss some things with. The very same rat that I am convinced has been pooing in my mouth before I wake each day. Apparently he’d grown a little tired of living in the garage above us, so he decided to turn himself over, albeit a little unwillingly. We eventually had him cornered in the car-hold where Neil proceeded to hockey-stick him, again and again and again.

The term “bloodbath” always seemed a bit hyperbolic to me, but yesterday it managed to come across as a little under-descriptive. Totally grawss.

I guess my mouth wasn’t even a big enough receptacle for all of his fecal matter, as there appeared to be about a butt-score of defecate scattered ceremoniously about the garage. What a lovely rat-friend.

I’m glad he’s dead.