Sealife and Saucers.

i went on a bit of a shopping spree yesterday. i went out, spent some money, and, in return, got a bunch of new stuff. y'know, your classic shopping experience. anyway, i purchased for myself a new backpack, a cd player for my car, a new cd, and a couple of fast food meals and drinks along the way. nothing really huge or insane, probably around $80 of stuff or so. but let's examine my purchases:

1. the backpack: a pretty solid little bookbag, 30 some litres holding capacity, only 900 grams in weight, and of course, the beautiful MEC logo on the top. the only downside to the acquisition of this bag is that i already own a bag that has lasted several years now and has very few things to complain about. plus, i'm not even going to school this semester. goodness.

2. the cd player: a steal at $5, this value village item may or may not work, may or may not fit and may or may not be of any use at all. hmmm...

3. the new cd: i think my weakest area of resistance is in the world of cd's. if i see a cd i don't own, i will buy it. and that makes for a lot of cd's, as you can imagine. i mean, i have bought more cds in the last year than a lot of people buy in their lifetime. yuck.

4. the food and beverage purchases: naturally i was out of the house early (ha), and needed some breakfast, so, what else could i do besides get a blt bagel meal and a sausage and egg mcmuffin? and then of course, once supper time hits, what will i do? well, a big mac meal proved to be the best option. why on earth did i not simply leave the house 20 minutes later and have a bowl of cereal? or why did i not come home 20 minutes earlier and have a nice supper? mama mia.

5. (i forgot to mention this one on the list, but i also bought a movie ticket) the movie ticket: a good movie, yet, i really had no desire to see it, nor did the person i went with. what a waste of 10 solid dollars.

alright, so, in analyzing the things i spent money on, what conclusions have i made? i am a complete sucker for advertising. this much is true. its astounding to me that i can go out, spend a bunch of money on stuff i don't want or need, and not bat an eye until i actually sit down to think about it, or have someone comment on it. it brings to mind a quote from a man for whom i have wackloads of respect, tyler durden. (i'll bet you weren't aware that respect could be measured in loads, especially wackloads.) anyway, here it is:

"advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. we're the middle children of history, man. no purpose or place. we have no great war, no great depression. our great war is a spiritual war. our great depression is our lives."

i am that middle child of history, i feel like a middle child of God, like i'm constantly draft-dodging this great war and that i just lost it all down on wall street. at this point, my purpose and place feels more like my porpoise and plates. i've got this wacky dolphinesque call that seems to be totally inaudible to my God, and i'm holding out these plates ready to be filled at any moment with something to do, eat or even just look at, but it never comes down. maybe i'm not trying hard enough, or maybe i'm bad at this christian gig. who knows. this is a weird day. usually, i tend to be rather comfortable with my situation with God, but something seems to have irked me, and its frustrating. i know i don't want to be comfortable by any means, but how can this be living the christian life? hmm.

i love God. i'm not really sure what that means. but i do. am i working out my salvation? i'm really not that afraid, nor am i quaking.

let's do this again sometime.

-tona.

ok, so i just remembered something else i bought. i bought a copy of dostoevsky's 'the brothers karamazov'. i love to read. it makes me feel smart. but did i buy this book to read or to make me look smart? i have wanted to read it, but i think i am also attempting to enhance my own social standing by putting on this guise of 'brainy guy', that i am not certain i am. i have had conversations with people where i don't say a lot, and i think a lot of people assume that my silence is a symbol of my great wealth of knowledge and that one of these days i am simply going to burst open with an eternal wellspring of mind-blowing and life-altering thoughts and ideas. and most of me feels like i have set them up for a big fall. i don't know. these are random thoughts that fell out by accident. maybe that's all i have, a leaky faucet as oppposed to an eternal wellspring. shucks.